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Strangely optimistic update.   
08:31pm 26/12/2011
mood: happy
I am SO happy lately. And not in my usual "Life is going well" when it really isn't way. I feel more in control of my life than I ever have before. I think a lot of that has to do with having two and a half jobs, so I can actually afford to do things. But it's not just that. For once in my life, I feel like I'm not desperately trying to figure out what to do next.

I am a little bit worried about what I am going to do after grad school, but I think I am actually confident enough to make my own decisions now. And anyway, I have a year an a half before I have to know for sure.

I am seriously thinking about going to Korea or something though. Heidi and I went out to the bar one night and I was telling her how I feel like my last big chance to go somewhere is after grad school. She told me that I should think of it as my first big chance. I think she is kind of right about that, and it made me feel better about things. But the point remains if I DON'T have the courage to go when I am done with grad school, I probably never will. I am not convinced that someone will ever really want to marry me (except maybe Shaun, which is another crazy story that I do not have time to get into in THIS entry) but I don't think it is completely impossible to imagine. And once you are married with kids and a house and a career, you can't really be like "I think I am going to move to the other side of the world for a year or two, and then backpack Europe." So I am going to do it soon.

I am kind of worried about how my parents will take it. I am also worried about what the hell I will do when I come back since I probably won't be able to save THAT much money, and I might not even have a home to come back to. But...I will worry about that when it comes to it. I am tired of being so apprehensive about everything. Nothing is usually ever as bad as I imagine it will be. And... I could always stay another year in Korea if I had to, right?

So anyway... I know I say this kind of stuff all the time...but I really feel like I am free in a way that I have never been before. It's like I had this dark cloud over me for years. Even when I was happy, I was always afraid of the darkness overtaking the light at any moment. I was never safe from it. But I feel like I am finally free from it. It may well be that I have finally learned some coping skills. I guess (almost) being a grown up isn't so bad.

I made a list of "goals" last year, and so far I have done most of them quite well. I maintained my 4.0. And I got a new job (actually multiple new jobs) that were better than I could have imagined. I also have a much better social life, and I am way more confident. So next up: being healthy. I joined WW today, even though I probably won't really start on it until after the new year. And I am going to start going to the gym more consistently, even though I hate it.

I'm also thinking of finally getting some braces, and facing my fear of contacts. And maybe updating my look. I mean...what the hell? Eric said I look the same as I did in...kindergarten! lol.

In addition, I would love to start doing more volunteer/community development work. I did quite a bit of volunteering in my late teens and early twenties but I haven't really felt like I was able to for the last few years or so. I don't have a lot of time right now...but maybe I can try to fit it in. At least until I get my fourth job in the fall. (I am seriously considering a fouth job...but it's at U of M, and that was always one of my dreams, wasn't it? And I am starting to believe that dreams really do come true, with a heck of a lot of effort.)

And I think moving out with Angela is a great idea. Now if only if I could convince my bff into moving back here everything would be the epitome of awesome. But.... I guess we can't have everything.
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It's my birthday!   
08:44pm 12/10/2011
mood: thoughtful
Well here it is my 26th birthday!


It was kind of not a big deal this year, but that's okay. Last year that turned out kind of badly.

Plus, I always feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing when I have a huge birthday.

And as I am someone who both sucks at planning because she hates it (or maybe I hate it because I suck at it?), planning birthday parties are like torture to me. I mean, if it's not bad enough that I have to plan ANYTHING, I also have to make a big deal out of myself. It just seems kind of fake and stupid. Surprise parties just make more sense. Maybe some day someone will have a surprise party planned for me. But I kind of doubt it, since all of my best friends hate planning as much as I do. (And they also suck at it.)

Anyway, that's okay. I think me and Stephanie are going out tonight after she gets out of class. I'm not for sure on that, because if anyone in the world sucks at planning more than I do it is definitely Stephanie. (I love you, wife.) And I am supposed to meet up with Ang around midnight at Denny's too. I can't stay long, because I have to work 12 hours tomorrow, 12 hours Friday, and Saturday morning. So you know, it's kind of a bad idea. But that's okay. I want to see Angela, and I'm only turning 26, not 30! I can deal with a few hours less sleep; I just might be a little cranky. And I can probably try to go to bed early tomorrow. (Try is the key word today.)

Work was fun as always. I'm actually glad I had to work on my birthday, because Suzanne and Amy and Emily were there, and they are all my friends. And it was pretty slow anyways. And I even got presents and flowers! I'm especially excited about the shirt Amy got me. I'm so wearing it tomorrow. I like being at work. (Well some of my works.)

It's kind of crazy to think I am twenty-six though. I started this livejournal, for example, when I was 16. In July I will have had it for ten years. A decade!!! I don't feel like I am old or anything (I'll wait until at least 30 for that) but sometimes I just think, how the heck did I get to be 26? Time goes so fast. It seems like not that like ago when I was 18 or 21, or something like that.

In other ways, it does feel like a long time ago. For my 21st birthday I went out to Sentimental Lady (euw) with Krysta and James after work. It was a Thursday that year. Anyway, it was kind of silly because I had to buy them drinks, and then James wouldn't drive my car home even though he originally said he would, and never really seemed to have any problem driving any other time. But it didn't really matter, because they were the two most important people in my life. I had other friends of course, but James and Krysta were basically my social circle at the time. And I just wanted to spend time with my two favorite people.

I have had a lot of well-wishing today, but not from James or Krysta. That isn't really surprising, and it's okay. I'm sure Krysta probably doesn't have minutes. And James only ever remembered my birthday because I started reminding him in September. I obviously didn't do that this year because we aren't together anymore, and it really doesn't matter.

I guess what I am saying though, is it is little things like that which I don't even think about on a regular basis that show me a lot of time really has passed. You don't think everyday about the friends you used to hang out with all the time, because people grow and change, and relationships morph and end, and you have new people who you spend your time with and you do new things. But five or six years ago I couldn't have imagined my birthday without James or Krysta; certainly not without both of them!

Maybe I am being kind of silly, but I don't think so. I wonder what little things (and big things) will be different by my birthday next year. Or in five years?

Anyway, I guess I will find out. And then I will write about it in my annual birthday livejournal post. (I may have forgot a year or two...)

Life is good. Life is probably the best it has ever been, despite not having someone special in my life right now. (Well maybe I do; that's still kind of under development.) But really, I am very happy these days.
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I am not talking (very much) about romantic relationships in this entry...It is more obscure   
04:10pm 12/02/2011
mood: forward thinking

I realize now that I was only longing for something that never existed, and probably never could have existed, even had the circumstances been different.

That the things I clung so desperately to, because I thought they would keep me afloat, were the very things that made me feel as if I was sinking. (Okay, enough of that metaphor.)

And I had so much right there, but I wasn’t seeing it clearly because I was not seeing things the way they really were. I was always so afraid. But I should have appreciated what was there. Because one day it would be gone, and then I would know how much it mattered to me.

But there is generally a silver lining… And if we can’t choose what happens to us, we can choose how we are going to react to those things. So I may have been depressed, and frightened, and frantic, and clingy…but somehow I got to where I am now. And so it was worth it.

And I will appreciate what is before me now, and not be afraid. (Well…at least I won’t let the things I am afraid of stop me from creating a better version of myself.)

And I think I am really free of the things that have plagued me for so long. I think that this year will be better.


I really hope I get to do that ASBD thing this year, even if I probably won’t because it’s the first year I’m going to do it whether or not I can afford it. Screw worrying about that. I’ll either get a new job, or I’ll be poor anyway, and it is too good of an opportunity to pass up. But if not that’s okay too, because there is always some other interesting thing to do.

Tonight I am going to TWO parties in RO. I kind of wanted to buy a hot new outfit or something, but my car is being fixed so I doubt I’ll have time to get anything before I have to leave. Oh well, I am sure that all my lovely friends will be happy to see me, old clothes and all! I do kind of want to reinvent my look though. Last June we had a graduation display at work and everyone had to bring in their senior pictures. Everyone was saying: “Julianne, were these taken two weeks ago?” Ha ha. At twenty-five, I realize it is probably a good thing that I still look basically the same as I did when I was seventeen, but…It would be fun to switch things up a little. As I said, there are always interesting things to do.

Anyway, I am thinking I will start making open posts again, at least for a while. All my favorite LJ friends (Heidi, Kimberly, Angela, Stephanie) have forgotten their passwords and can’t read my last three years or so of posts. So if they ever want to, I’d like them to be open. And I think I am safe from James’s ex-girlfriends now. And even if I’m not, I do NOT care.

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05:04pm 06/02/2011
mood: tired

This week has been pretty terrible in a lot of ways. 

Read more...Collapse )
In other news, today was quite lovely. I went to lunch  with Cassie (for the first time since Macomb, I think?!) And I met her fiance. He is really nice, and really cool. And driving to Lathrup Village on the freeway was so easy, I think I might almost be over my freeway phobia. it was great to talk again, even though we mostly just talked about work and school and didn't discuss anything philosophical. But I'm sure we will see each other again soon.

I took 12 mile home, not because I was scared, but because I like to drive that way some time. The West Side is so much prettier, with all the fancy street lights and little specialty shops. Even Twelve Mile was kind of pretty, with all the snow on the trees and stuff. It was quite beautiful, especially since I was listening to Simon & Garfunkel the whole way. I was full of such joy and wonder about the beauty of life, and I was so glad because I haven't been able to feel that way in so long. Especially with my friend dying recently, and even before that. I feel so strangled and trapped all the time. I don't mean that I'm unhappy, but you can definitely outgrow the spot you are in, and start to choke and falter, if you know what I mean.

Anyway I am generally happy with life. I am even kind of glad that I am single. I want to meet someone, because love is the most wonderful thing, but I am not in a hurry. (Despite what my mother implies.) I have so many plans, and I feel like I have grown so much as a person lately...and I don't really want to be tied down. I know everyone always says that when you meet the right person, it won't tie you down. You will do things together. But how many perfect relationships are there really? And i know that I am the type of person, however much I wish I wasn't, that makes my relationships central to my being. Especially romantic relationships. So its not likely that I would accomplish as much in a relationship, even if I met a great guy. .... I'm not saying I don't want to be in one at all, I'm just not going to worry about it for the time being.

There is so much more to write about, but I have an online quiz today on 5 chapters of my text for reference class, and it is due today by midnight. (I thought I had more time, so I haven't read most of it...) I also have a job interview at SCS tomorrow, which I am not overly excited about or ready for. And there's a superbowl party at Elona's, but I'm not sure I'll make it because I havent' slept in days and I have to finish my homework first. I was worried about my 4.0, but for Reference at least, I have 14 out of 13 possible points so far....Still kind of worried about Scout's class though...

Anyway, i'll bid you adieu.

Wayne State is sarcastic....   
11:00am 07/07/2009
mood: amused
So it turns out that I have less school left than originally thought.  Now I have to call the English department and figure out what classes I need for my major.
It's pretty exciting!

But it was kind of sad-funny, because my adviser had to explain to me that the STARS degree audit only works for people in the traditional four year track. She reset it for (I kid you not) people beginning school in the term "Beginning of time." Come on! The beginning of time? It's pretty bad when your school says that about you.

I mean, I"m paying them right? That don't have to be so fucking sarcastic. (Actually I'm kind of amused, but shhh.)

So now...the only real question I have left is...to minor or not to minor? My adviser said I should just go to graduate school, but... I'm not sure yet.
I'm kind of leaning toward no though, because really I want to be finished so I can stop being the butt of all the jokes of the STARS degree audit. And then I can do something else, I mean I'm already stuck with an English degree, there's not much a minor can do to help me now.
Still trying to get all the way to Z...   
07:29pm 11/06/2009
mood: thoughtful
So I found something out today, that really bothered me even though I know I shouldn't let it. It's something that I should have realized and come to terms with a long, long, LONG time ago. But obviously that's not in my nature...

But at least I did accomplish some things.

I've been ruminating about a lot of things lately. Like what exactly am I going to do after I graduate? Go to graduate school at Wayne State? Go to graduate school somewhere else? Move to South Carolina with my 'wife?' Move to Korea?

I'm thinking that it would be a good idea to move somewhere new. I need a change. And there is no use trying to keep things from changing, because as is evident today...things never stay the same anyways.
And besides, how am I ever going to get all the way to Z, if i spend all my time hanging around K? I mean really, that's just not alphabetical!!!

Also, does anyone believe in signs? I am really not a religious or mystical person, but sometimes things happen that are so strange... Like a person appearing out of the blue, just when you need them most that I am forced to reexamine my assumptions.

And is it bad to know that someone is right for you, when you don't really know them that well? It's not so much that I am interested in this person, as I know that we would make sense together. I mean I could be interested...but  it feels sort of disingenuous to acted interested in a person who I am not that close to. Then again maybe that's how normal people meet their significant others..... I'm sure i'll figure that out, but maybe not until Q.
Letter to U of M   
03:05pm 28/05/2009
mood: annoyed
Dear University of Michigan in Ann Arbor,

Why is it so difficult to say how much it costs to attend graduate school, perhaps by credit hour? Why tell me what it costs to take nine credit hours? What if I want to take four credit hours, or twelve? And why do you have to be so expensive anyways?

What is so great about you University of Michigan? Sure you are located in Ann Arbor, but what's so great about that? All there is in Ann Arbor is a bunch of fake hippies....
.... Still that's better than a bunch of fake thugs. So I will pay your exorbitant prices for an education that I could get for half the price at my alma mater. Besides that.... if I don't escape soon, it will be the death of me.

P.S. What exactly is a "cybrarian?" And is it just me or does it sound kind of kinky?
Weird day at the library version 213   
08:33pm 11/05/2009
mood: confused
Today was a really weird day. I mean pretty much every day at the library is weird, but this one was one of those days that make you wonder if it's a full moon. Is it a full moon? Despite my vampiric qualities, I can't recall looking at the moon in the last couple of weeks.

So the weirdest thing by far is that there was meat in the book drop. And not like a half-eaten chicken strip that some drunk threw in there Sunday night, because he thought the book drop was an oddly shaped dumpster. No, it was a container filled with uncooked hamburger meat. Like seriously, what the hell people? Our book drop isn't even very easy to open, so getting this container in there probably took some effort. Is that how they get back at us, because of their DVD fines? Seriously? Luckily, it didn't have maggots or anything yet, though apparently it did pop open.

Then there was this weird elderly gentlemen, who said that the letter carrier accidentally delivered our Time magazine to his house, and he wouldn't charge us for it. He told me that he lives across the street, and almost called 911 because someone who looked like a drug dealer was hanging around outside the library half and hour before we opened this morning. I assured him that it was probably only one of our more interesting Internet patrons...but then I thought I probably should have asked the elderly gent if this "drug dealer" was carrying a container of some sort...perhaps full of meat.

But then we did have to call 911, because some women said she was having shortness of breath...even though she wanted us to print her paper off her flash drive before we called the ambulance, which seemed strange. But I didn't want to be considered a murderer or anything...so we called.

And then that was this one patron who I will simply call Anthony, who didn't do anything that bizarre, but is just annoying enough with his questions about the uncataloged magazines (that's been going on since Friday, because they aren't really catalogued but I'm not allowed to tell HIM that) to put the weird icing on the fucked up day at the library cake.
...But I supposed it's all fodder for the book.

In other news, I cut my hair finally. It's not that much shorter, but less weight makes it a lot curlier. I'm kind of excited as I haven't had a hair cut since long before the economic crash. (Not that those two things are related, but I couldn't think of a popular culture reference as I know absolutely nothing about popular culture these days.)
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This is why I need to screen my calls....   
08:45pm 06/05/2009
mood: weird
Last night was one of those nights that I'm going to miss if I ever actually do graduate and find a real job (and become a responsible adult.) I didn't get home until about four, and then I had to spend some time reading this really creepy ghost story that Suzanne suggested to me. Needless to say, I did not wake up very early.

As some of you may know, my friend Heidi recently returned from teaching in South Korea. Anyways, she was supposed to call me around eleven this morning so that we could do something before I had to go to work this afternoon. And since she has only been in the country for about a week, she does not have a phone and would be calling me from one of her parent's cell phones. (I promise there is a point to all this.)

I was awaken from my slumber around 11:20, from a phone number that I did not know. I am sure that you will sympathize with me when I assure you that I thought it was Heidi. I mean....who else would it be? The conversation went something like this :

"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Oh nothing." (surely not wasting a beautiful spring morning catching up on my z's.)
"So guess what?"
"I'm pregnant."
(There was at this point a long pause. What?!?!? Heidi? Pregnant?! And anyways...her voice sounded sort of weird, yet I pressed on. Remember, I was very tired.)
"Well I know I broke up with Anthony, but....Anyways, and then this girl was telling me I was pregnant. Like, bitch, I didn't even know that yet."
(At this point, I knew for a fact that this was indeed not my friend Heidi. But what could I do now that this girl had told me her secret news?!?!)
I did the only thing someone could do in this situation....
"Can I call you back later?"
The girl laughed, "Not what you expected for your wake up call, huh?"


Afterwards, when I woke up more, I realized how horrible this all was. Perhaps I should have told her that I was not her friend. I mean like...what the hell is this girl going to think when her real friend calls her? Maybe I could have even said that if she ever needed to talk we could be friends. (lol, I'm only kidding though that is how 2 dollar Jason met his girlfriend.) But seriously, this is worse than the time I pretended to get in a car accident as a joke and then the call was dropped. I deserve the asshole of the year award.

So pregnant chick who recently broke up with Anthony, this apology is going out to you.
Highly personal, yet incredibly vague entry that you need not comment on...unless you want to   
05:36pm 16/04/2009
mood: peaceful
I don't have a lot of time to write, because I have to head over to Ghost Class in a minute....and I have to make a few stops first ; )....But I am compellled to write. I was reading over some old stuff in certain people's journals, and I realize that I am sooo glad that it's now, instead of then. Wow, and I'm an English major. But seriously, I really am glad. I don't have regrets, because regretting is a waste of my time...and I've already done enough of that for one life time.

Basically, what I mean is... I can finally say that I am happy with life.
And the winter is almost over, or some other cheesy euphemism.
Next stop?

This is a highly personal entry that I wish I had more time to write, but I don't.  Someday soon I will be back to finish it.

Hell, maybe I'll even make a lyric post...to be ironic of course.
But I'm off to Ghost Class, and then more shenanigans I am sure.
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04:08pm 21/08/2006
mood: bored
Stole this from Stacey... My Interests Collage!Collapse ) p.s. I realize some of this stuff doesn't make too much sense, like the girl with the cigarettes, and the Asian girl...but I didn't have time to figure out what they were/get rid of them...so just pretend it means something..
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10:37pm 25/02/2006
mood: nostalgic
Sometimes I think I'm destroyed.

But at least I finally have a juicer. mmmm...juice.

Maybe it will be spring soon.
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Do this, I'm curious...   
06:27pm 15/02/2006
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Shadow to Substance   
12:32pm 03/11/2005
mood: optimistic

Shadow to Substance


No use discussing immortality

When just to keep alive is hard enough,

Of course I want to roam in paradise

But it’s a long way there and the road is lost,

In all the time since I met up with you

We never differed in our grief and joy.

In shade we may have parted for a time,

But sunshine always brings us close again.

Still this union cannot last forever—

Together we will vanish into darkness.

The body goes; that fame should also end

Is a thought that makes me burn inside.

Do good and your love will outlive you;

Surely this is worth your every effort.

While it is true, wine may dissolve care

That is not so good a way as this.

Hava Nagila!!!!   
12:51am 27/06/2005
mood: amused
Since Krysta and I are moving soon (next week or something, I should really figure it out...) we did some packing tonight. I was really being ambitious about it last night, planning on packing everything up today except for my notebook and the clothes I would need for the rest of the week. Instead I packed a few books, and my sweaters. (remember this is me, I have a lot of sweaters.) But we got distracted a lot...because you know when you're going through stuff you find all sorts of interesting things-such as the cards that we dumped in the closet after some drunken party, old cards and notes from high school, yearbooks, and a bunch of James shit that I'm very tempted to start a bon fire with. Krysta even gave me her "I ♥ Jesus "pin. I'm considering wearing it everyday and telling people I got it at my first communion, even though I'm not a Catholic...But most interesting of all was my really really old stories, from elementary school.

This story here is sort of long, and slightly disturbing, since I was probably nine or ten when I wrote it. I was trying to write a hard luck story about a girl who only wanted a pumpkin. Krysta thought it was great, and that I should show it to a psychologist to see what they say about me as a child. I really wasn't sick or haunted, I was just trying to be dramatic...anyways don't make fun of me because I'm very sensitive, and leave me comments on whether you think I should finish it...lol. Oh yeah, and I never got to the part about the cursed pumpkin who wanted to be carved up into a jack-o-latern...(maybe he was sadistic....)

The Halloween PumpkinCollapse )

Okay, that's it for now kids, but believe me there is plenty more where that came from, and it's far more exciting and heart wrenching. The first part had a lot of exposition shit. But just in case you don't think you can stand the suspense until I get around to posting the rest of this, I'll have you know the next chapter is tittled "Murder!" I know, so thriling you can't wait for the end. Too bad, my fingers are cramping.
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04:38am 03/04/2005
  I am SO sick of bullshit.  
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It's a small world...   
06:47pm 25/03/2005
  For those of you who went on one of those dumb roadtrips last year, remember celebrity six degrees of friendship? Even if you didn't go you might have heard of it... anyways this is the funnest thing ever...


p.s. David Fenner has a lot of friends.
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"American Idiot"   
01:31pm 03/11/2004
mood: aggravated
So yeah... Bush won this election without stuffing the ballots this time. That makes me wonder about the intelligence of the American people. And I'm not just saying that to be cool. I have lots of reasons that I hate Bush. And if you are a Republican, and have your reasons to support Bush... call me I want to debate you.

But as many of you are saying, 51% of this country wants Bush as the president. So it's something that I, like many of my more liberal country men, must learn to accept.
At least until I move to France.

However for those of us who are still rather upset by the results of the election go here:
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02:28am 23/10/2004
mood: calm
I was just looking at my icons.... Syd and I would make a smashing couple.

I went to Royal Oak and Grosse Pointe today. Royal Oak pretty much sucked, but I did have fun reading "Les Fleurs du Mal". I know I sound like a cliche goth kid, but Baudelaire may very well be my new poetry God. Anyways Royal Oak sucked because there was no one interesting about, and I didn't have fifty dollars to spend...

Grosse Pointe was a little better. I did get some of the best Italian Soda ever made. Even though everyone there was a 15 year old mall punk, or a fifty seven year old man with a napsack and a bicycle. Oh well. I didn't almost die while driving today, so that was splendid.

Another strange thing is that every boy between the age of 13 and 18 in Grosse Pointe looks like Bryan... I was disturbed, I thought I saw him everywhere.

After that the lovely Heidi and I drove to Mt. Clemens, and visited Adam for a few hours. Even if we weren't quite philosophical, we caught up and discussed the "sophomore blues." Even if I'm not a sophomore... I don't really know. It got me sort of thinking about things again...and it's good to connect to the past everyonce in a while... remember how things once were...It definatly got me thinking about my life and where I'm going again. I think I finally know what I have to do this time too... and I had more Italian Soda. What a fantastic day. I love you disgrunteled neo-hippy. (I had to write that.)

Tomorrow- waffles! (how do you like your waffles? wink wink) and then dark carnival...and hopefully dancing. ...and maybe I'll even get some new hair. wink wink. Goodnight.
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10:47am 09/10/2004
mood: reflective
On the Uses of Philosophy

There is a pleasure in philosophy that every student feels until the necessities of physical existence drag him from the heights of thought into the mart of economic strife and gain.

We strive with the chaos about us and within; but we would believe all the while that there is something vital and significant in us, could we but decipher our own souls. We want to understand.

We want to seize the value and perspective of passing things, and so pull ourselves up out of the maelstrom of daily circumstance.

We want to learn to laugh in the face of the inevitable, to smile even at the looming of death.

"To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even to found a school, but so to love wisdom as to live, according to its dictates, a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity, and trust."

"Seek ye first the good things of the mind and the rest will either be supplied or its loss will not be felt."
~Francis Bacon

Every science begins as philosophy and ends as art.

Philosophy is a hypothetical interpretation of the unknown. It is the front trench in the seize of truth. Science is the captured territory.

Philosophy is not content to describe facts; it wishes to ascertain relations to experience in general; to get to meaning and worth.

To observe process and construct means is science; to criticize and coordinate ends is philosophy.

A fact is nothing except in relation to desire; it is incomplete except in relation to a purpose and a whole.

Science without philosophy, facts without perspective, cannot save us from havoc and despair.

~Will Durant
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