I realize now that I was only longing for something that never existed, and probably never could have existed, even had the circumstances been different.
That the things I clung so desperately to, because I thought they would keep me afloat, were the very things that made me feel as if I was sinking. (Okay, enough of that metaphor.)
And I had so much right there, but I wasn’t seeing it clearly because I was not seeing things the way they really were. I was always so afraid. But I should have appreciated what was there. Because one day it would be gone, and then I would know how much it mattered to me.
But there is generally a silver lining… And if we can’t choose what happens to us, we can choose how we are going to react to those things. So I may have been depressed, and frightened, and frantic, and clingy…but somehow I got to where I am now. And so it was worth it.
And I will appreciate what is before me now, and not be afraid. (Well…at least I won’t let the things I am afraid of stop me from creating a better version of myself.)
And I think I am really free of the things that have plagued me for so long. I think that this year will be better.
I really hope I get to do that ASBD thing this year, even if I probably won’t because it’s the first year I’m going to do it whether or not I can afford it. Screw worrying about that. I’ll either get a new job, or I’ll be poor anyway, and it is too good of an opportunity to pass up. But if not that’s okay too, because there is always some other interesting thing to do.
Tonight I am going to TWO parties in RO. I kind of wanted to buy a hot new outfit or something, but my car is being fixed so I doubt I’ll have time to get anything before I have to leave. Oh well, I am sure that all my lovely friends will be happy to see me, old clothes and all! I do kind of want to reinvent my look though. Last June we had a graduation display at work and everyone had to bring in their senior pictures. Everyone was saying: “Julianne, were these taken two weeks ago?” Ha ha. At twenty-five, I realize it is probably a good thing that I still look basically the same as I did when I was seventeen, but…It would be fun to switch things up a little. As I said, there are always interesting things to do.
Anyway, I am thinking I will start making open posts again, at least for a while. All my favorite LJ friends (Heidi, Kimberly, Angela, Stephanie) have forgotten their passwords and can’t read my last three years or so of posts. So if they ever want to, I’d like them to be open. And I think I am safe from James’s ex-girlfriends now. And even if I’m not, I do NOT care.